Sobriety is Sobering

"Alcohol is the only drug in the world we have to justify NOT taking."

-This Naked Mind

   

This is a bit long- so those who stick thru- thank you.  If this post sparks anything in ONE person, I'm happy I shared it.

I have been sober for SIXTY DAYS!

60 days without:

-Being catapulted out of a dead sleep at 2am, sweaty with a chemically over-stimulated brain.
-Trying to recall the night before not even sure what "the last thing I remember" was.
-Lying awake wondering how I got in my bed, if I lost anything, upset anyone, or ruined my life.
-Getting up with a spinning head trying to find my purse, thanking God when I find it.
-The nausea, vomiting, dry-heaving, unable to move my head, eat any food, keep plans I made for the day, or play with my kids.
-The crippling guilt.
- Hearing "you dont remember do you?"
-Checking my husband's side of the bed-happy he isnt on the couch for a reason I dont know.
-Taking anything for anxiety, to relax, or random panic attacks. 100% substance free.
- Feeling like I cant handle the amazing life I have.



In the last 60 days I have evaluated my entire existence, my past and my future.  I have had to be brutally honest with myself. I have been very quiet socially. I've stayed to myself a lot. I haven't seen my friends or family very much. I have been processing. I have been learning how to live and grieve, struggle and celebrate. I have been falling apart and putting myself back together. Caterpillars don't change in the open for a reason.

Some people may scoff at me for only being 60 days sober, but I dont care. Its a huge milestone for me. Those who dont drink regularly or those who do and have never tried quitting, just dont know. So I dont blame them. I have gone through physical withdrawal and I still battle the psychological withdrawal that lasts much longer. But, I have overcome some of the hardest days Ive had in a long time. Its easy to "do life" when you constantly make yourself numb for it all. Especially for the hard parts.

 I have given up alcohol once before. (Not including my 3 pregnancies because it's semi-easy to do when your body is busy growing a person.) I made it 12 days,drank, then 20. Collectively, I called it 32 days for anyone that asked. It was easy for me to not drink because it wasn't quitting. I also had other things to take to help me cope while I was abstaining from alcohol so I learned nothing. I patted myself on the back and I said "see you dont have to drink- you went more than 30 days!", and poured a glass, or 3.  I cant remember how many. It was back to regularly drinking in no time and an uptick in frequency and amounts.

I would need more and more to feel anything. Sometimes all I ever felt was sick. No, I didnt wake up and pour a drink, but come the PM hours nothing could stop me. Ive always been "a drinker" but eventually I was drinking every evening, or nearly. Eventually, you don't need a reason to drink its just what you do. In reaching this moment of honest clarity, I realized that I have no idea how to be a parent without alcohol in my life. I also don't know how to do a lot of things that life requires, without alcohol. Like, existing.

Being sober is like being reborn and not everyone can understand that. Abstaining from pouring a glass or declining an offered drink is indeed very difficult. But that cant hold a candle to how difficult it is learning how to function over time without the drink. Everything seems hard. Everything is real and a lot of it hurts. Every pain or inconvenience used to be met with something to take it away, to "help me", for years. Now, that's gone and I am learning to help myself.


I had no clue what my grief really felt like. Or my anxiety, irritations, frustrations, or stress. Im still learning and I will be for a long time. I had no idea how to enjoy myself and find pleasure in things without alcohol playing its role. Now I feel everything, every day, again and again, without making myself numb. It has left me raw. Some days I am exhausted without reason. Other days I'm very weepy. Some days, (hello 3 kids over here!) I'm very high strung and have to learn how to relax on my own. Man, that's one of the hardest battles I face. RELAXING! Some days I want to climb the walls, others I'm lost in my feelings, some days I feel like my brain is in backwards. Other days I feel on top of the world. There are lots of those days too. Full of love and light with nothing but positive energy. Oh the ENERGY- that's one of the best parts! (more on: what it feels like to quit drinking)

My sober life, even the painful parts, is beautiful because its mine. All me. I am getting to know myself without alcohol in my life since my very early 20s. I actually might like myself a little bit. My kids are getting to know Sober-Mommy, and my youngest wont even remember me as a drinker. What a GIFT! My husband gets Sober-Wife as well. (That's a post for another time) So yeah...its ONLY been 60 days. I cant wait for day 100, 365, or 1000!! Better and better.

I don't look at "forever" as a non-drinker, I look at today only.  Not every day is easy, but every day the choice is mine to make, and its an easy one. (Why I chose to stop drinking)
I want my reality to be REAL. I dont want anything that takes away my ability to feel and process the things that I am supposed to. Nothing that changes me. Nothing that will steal me from those I love most. Nothing that literally shortens my life and takes my joy, while lying to me that I NEED it to have joy at all.

I will be the best example I can be for my children. What message am I sending them by having a drink in my hand every night? That I need it to be happy? That I need it because of them?  Because my life is too terrible? Because alcohol is the answer? They will get that message over and over from the rest of the world, they already do. Just like we did. But I cant let that lie come from me anymore.

How can I show them how to cope with the real world when I drown mine in a bottle of wine?

There is some very real science behind alcohol addiction.
 
 The stigma around the term "alcoholic" is enough to shut down what could be a breakthrough for some. No one wants to be called an alcoholic- especially alcoholics. You can live an acceptable and decent life and be addicted to alcohol. You dont have to black out every night or get a DWI. You don't have to be featured on the show "Intervention". In my opinion, Alcohol-Dependent is a much better term to describe those who are physically and emotionally addicted to alcohol. Because we DEPEND on it, for so much. We all suffer the same hold. Alcohol tells the same lies to us all.
 
Why do you think when someone refuses a drink at a party, or declares they've quit drinking, we immediately feel the need to justify why and how much we are drinking, or defend our own habits? Or shamefully we try to pressure them into drinking with us?  What's even worse, we laugh at them and roll our eyes. Because it creates conflict within ourselves and its the same for everyone.

Does the thought of never drinking again make you sad? How would you get through the work week, a party, a concert, a football game, or a nice dinner?

Do you think you'd be LESS without it? 

That's the biggest lie of all- and it's one we believe without question. 

Id encourage anyone to read "This Naked Mind". Whether you are alcohol dependent or think you might be. Maybe you want to drink less or some day not at all. Maybe you know someone who is, or you just want to learn the truth. It is life-changing information and not at all preachy. It isn't AA material, it isn't 12 steps or religion based. Its incredibly relatable and you cant unlearn what it teaches you, like being unplugged from the Matrix. The work is still ours to do but with knowledge and a new way of thinking it can be easier.

Alcohol (ethanol) is a drug. Period. It makes you think you need it-and eventually your body does, just like other drugs. Our experiences, our perception of reality, and advertising, have been flooding our unconscious thinking since early childhood. "Society" makes us think we need alcohol for everything. We subtly, over time (or very quickly for some) lose the ability to naturally cope and can no longer exist without it. The lows we feel that make us think we need alcohol for relief, are actually CAUSED by our brain's addiction to alcohol and it's withdrawals. It creates a chaotic chemical cycle of tolerance and withdrawal. Its called Neuro-adaptation and it changes how our brains work.

Alcohol, a depressant, actually causes depression- you dont say! Then anxiety comes (withdrawal). You need relief so you pour a drink, not realizing the drink is why you think you need relief in the first place. Repeat.
Over time- even in 60 short days without drinking-  these lows fade away, we begin to level out, and we incorporate real meaningful and manageable life back into our world. It can take up to a year to re-balance the chemical disruptions that years of drinking caused. When we quit drinking we find that life is actually okay, wonderful even, and that we are capable of living it without "help". Alcohol never really "helped" us. It lied to us, it stole from us, it changed us, and then we lied to ourselves about it.

Life isn't meant to be escaped, its meant to be lived.

Alcohol is consumed by most of the people you know.  It's everywhere you go, for any occasion, and no occasion at all. A staggering amount of the world's population drinks moderately and 1.4% of the world (which is 107,800,000) have disordered drinking. We are looking at an entire planet addicted to alcohol.

To really grasp how ingrained drinking is in our society:

the person abstaining from alcohol is considered abnormal.

     
...on to the next 60 days!