My Why

My last drink was around 4pm on Mother's Day, May 12, 2019.
I had several Old Fashioneds- made by my darling husband.

On my 3rd (or 4th?) in a very short amount of time, my brain went to sleep.
I dont remember the meal he worked hard to make me. I do remember talking about how good my green beans were though.
I dont remember going to bed or tucking in my kids.

The next day my daughter talked about a conversation we had and was confused why I had no idea what she was talking about. EMBARRASSING. GUILT. EPIPHANY.


I drank so much on Mother's Day, because I drink, yes. But because I missed mine and I had too many feelings...someone bring me my medicine to help me deal with life!

I didnt even realize that my drinking steals me as a Mom. Im taking myself away from my kids and Im right here! And my poor husband- watching the shit show that is his wife.

How damn selfish of me.

My kids have deserved better from me all these years. My husband and my friends too. My precious Mother did as well, more than anyone. God bless her- she told me so many times that I had a problem, but I never wanted to listen. I learned to hate the term alcoholic, and I got angry and defensive because deep down, I knew, but I didnt.
I'm so, so sorry Mama.

I dont know moderation. I dont know how to cope. I dont know how to live without it....which is why I have no choice but to live without it.

For them, for him, for me, and for her.