Paralyzed At The Park

     I ended up at our park today to visit the ducks with Austin.

     This was my Mom's favorite and most frequented place that she would take Jayden and Alton, my two oldest, to play and feed the ducks. It is about 5 minutes away. For years we came here. (pics)

     There are "NO FEEDING THE DUCKS" signs now. We will go play then, and I thought nothing of it.
      As I walked Austin along the winding sidewalk to the playground, I very casually and without realizing said to him, “your Granny loved coming here.”

    By the time my feet reached the mulch I realized I was crying. I looked around at the empty playground and cried even harder. Those were some of the hottest tears Ive ever felt. I had no control. It wouldn't have mattered if the playground was full of people, the tears were pouring out. I'm glad it wasn't full. It was just us. Just us, without her.

    It physically hurt and made me feel sick to walk around and play with Austin. Even just for the few minutes that I pushed myself to do it. How long has it been since I came here? Since she came here? She should be here with us dammit!!! I wiped away as many tears as I could and we left. I promised him we would come back. (When the dew on the slides dried up. We both laughed at his wet booty)


    I realize that bringing myself to that park without first thinking about how significant it is to me, is a big step in healing. That I walked down that sidewalk with plans to play and without the pain of remembering...until it slammed into me like a speeding bullet. I also felt guilty that she wasn't the first thing I thought of. I always think of her.

    I didn’t choose that park for Mom and I didn’t differ to something else because it was "her place". My heart just remembered the fun we had and I decided to take Austin. Its more fun than our close and very unimaginative little park.

    But, healing hurts. How could I NOT think of her first, when she is present in all of my thoughts? I felt so sorry for being able to engage in something I treasure without acknowledging the absence that is a part of everything.  It is a milestone that I'm sure therapists all over the world would tell me is great progress.

     Depression and grief are a part of me now. Sometimes it takes me days to recover from episodes like this, so I'm thankful they are less frequent. I know that I have a life to live too. I’m not sure when I can go back there, but I’m glad we ended up at our park today.