Ink of Peace
Occasionally I will have a moment.
I will lose myself for a little while inside my grief. I will sob and talk to my Mom.
A couple of weeks ago I was hanging clothes in my closet and suddenly this moment came. I desperately want to hear her say "I love you". They were probably the first words she ever said to me.
I cried for it, prayed for it, and prayed to have just ONE dream about her so maybe I could hear it.
I've heard, and felt it every day of my life.
Not hearing it or even reading it on my phone has been very hard.
Especially on the days when I really need it.
I eventually composed myself and finished my chore.
I scooped up the box of my old photos from the shelf and left. I was looking for a specific picture. The apartment wall she decorated and re-decorated, she loved doing that.
I quickly found it along with a few awesome childhood gems <ah, the 90's> and I almost stopped browsing.
I saw this small card tucked in with the pictures. It was out of place. Why was this in *my* pictures? It wasn't even written to me.
Signed "Helena", not Mom.
Written whenever and to whomever it was meant for, there it was in my hand.
The "I love you" I was literally just crying for.
I will lose myself for a little while inside my grief. I will sob and talk to my Mom.
A couple of weeks ago I was hanging clothes in my closet and suddenly this moment came. I desperately want to hear her say "I love you". They were probably the first words she ever said to me.
I cried for it, prayed for it, and prayed to have just ONE dream about her so maybe I could hear it.
I've heard, and felt it every day of my life.
Not hearing it or even reading it on my phone has been very hard.
Especially on the days when I really need it.
I eventually composed myself and finished my chore.
I scooped up the box of my old photos from the shelf and left. I was looking for a specific picture. The apartment wall she decorated and re-decorated, she loved doing that.
I quickly found it along with a few awesome childhood gems <ah, the 90's> and I almost stopped browsing.
I saw this small card tucked in with the pictures. It was out of place. Why was this in *my* pictures? It wasn't even written to me.
Signed "Helena", not Mom.
Written whenever and to whomever it was meant for, there it was in my hand.
The "I love you" I was literally just crying for.
The feeling it gave me was something I've never felt before. (And I get a LOT of feels.)
I knew immediately I had received what I asked for. Maybe not in the way I wanted, I still want to dream of her. But, I got it nonetheless.
At first I couldn't process it. I didn't even realize that what I felt was peace. Actual peace.
Honestly, I haven't had any since she has been gone. It's not something you can will to happen.
I may not say it often (ok, never) but this is something I need every day.
Hearing "I love you" from her was something I've always had.
It's just one more thing that is gone, that I dont have anymore, that is only a memory.
But now, I have it. It's not audible but it isn't gone!
It's not a memory, it's every day!!
I chose this message as is and as I found it.
In her own words and by her own hand. (plus 1 extra space)
I get to take this piece of peace with me the rest of my days. I get an "I love you" from her any time I look at it. My little tattoo from Heaven.
...and I love you too, Mama.
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