Dear Self

Dear April 28, 2017 Self~

      You've spent the last 10 months taking care of Mom. You've spent the last 10 days and this morning at her bedside knowing they were her last. Today is the worst day of your life as you hold her close and sing while she takes her final breath. You will kiss her goodbye one last time and walk away. 

      But this isn't your hardest day yet. There will be so many as you learn to navigate your life without her. It wont feel real for a long, long time. Like people who lose an arm or leg and can still feel what isn't there. It will be like that for your mind and heart, and it will paralyze you. You will cry spontaneously and you will question every.single.thing. You will be angry and scared. You will hurt in every way a person can, but you already know that. Knowing it and living it are different things so you need to remember to breathe.

      Take comfort to know that you are not alone in this new, motherless life. When you leave hospice care today and walk into the sunshine, accept that you will learn so much over the next year. You will see that you have amazing family and friends who love you and will carry you through. You will come to appreciate the smallest of kindnesses. You will be kinder. You will be strong for your children. In your worst moments you will learn that they are strong, like you. You will learn to be vulnerable and know that you are safe. You will realize what is truly important and you will have the courage to put those things first. You will have unexpected blessings.

      You will remind yourself that you were blessed to have had the opportunity to talk to Mom knowing she would be leaving you. You will remember your promise during her greatest times of worry; THAT YOU WOULD BE OKAY. You will work hard to keep that promise and sometimes it will be all you have to hold on to.

      This next year will hurt and it will break you.
But it will also rebuild you piece by piece into something brand new. A new you in a new life. Its not something you want or asked for, but everything will be different while not much has changed.

      So walk into the sunshine today. 

     Close your tired, weeping eyes and just let it in.

      You are okay.

Love, 

Your April 28 2018 self